You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
