I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
