Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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