I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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