Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
