new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
should my penis look like a turkey
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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