i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
false alarm. still invincible.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
