Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
