I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
