this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
