if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
