woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
