I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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