Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
