I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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