I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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