I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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