I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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