just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
