Sry I called you an 8
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Im part way to drunk.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
