Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
