If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
