Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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