ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
