I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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