Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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