marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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