If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
