I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
