someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
try to milk me bitch
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
