Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
