youre lurking in front of me
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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