I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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