Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
