You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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