You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
