i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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