I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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