I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
do nipples grow back?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
