your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Everclear isn't food dammit
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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