i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
