I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
