On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The beer is more important than you right now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
