I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
