I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
