I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
