i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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