Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
God gave him joint rollers for hands
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
