Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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