I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
