I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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