We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
