I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
